The Courage To Be Disliked

The Courage to Be Disliked, a book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, draws on Alfred Adler’s psychology to explore personal freedom and happiness. Presented as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, it challenges conventional thinking about relationships, self-worth, and societal expectations. The core idea is that true courage lies in accepting oneself and living authentically, even if it means being disliked by others.

Adlerian psychology emphasises that individuals are not bound by past traumas or external pressures but have the power to shape their own lives. The book argues that people often trap themselves in seeking approval, fearing rejection, or dwelling on past events. Instead, it advocates for "separating tasks"—focusing only on what one can control and letting go of others’ opinions. This shift fosters self-acceptance and liberates individuals from the need for validation.

The philosopher in the dialogue stresses that happiness comes from contributing to others without expecting rewards, cultivating a sense of community, and embracing one’s unique path. It challenges the reader to rethink competition and comparison, promoting self-reliance and inner peace. The book’s conversational style makes complex psychological concepts accessible, encouraging introspection.

While some criticise its simplicity or idealism, The Courage to Be Disliked resonates widely for its empowering message. It inspires readers to break free from societal pressures, prioritise personal growth, and find courage in living authentically, regardless of external judgment.

5 Key Takeaways

1. Embrace Being Disliked:

   True freedom comes from accepting that not everyone will like you. The courage to be disliked allows you to live authentically, prioritising your values over seeking universal approval, which liberates you from the fear of judgment.

2. Separate Tasks:

   Focus only on what you can control—your actions, thoughts, and choices. Other people’s opinions or behaviours are their tasks, not yours. This principle reduces unnecessary stress and helps you avoid taking responsibility for others’ feelings.

3. Reject the Past’s Control:

   Adlerian psychology asserts that your past, including traumas, doesn’t determine your present or future. You have the power to reinterpret past events and choose how they influence your life, giving you agency to create your path.

4. Contribute to Others:

   Happiness stems from a sense of community and contributing to others without expecting rewards. This selfless approach fosters connection and purpose, shifting focus from self-absorption to meaningful engagement with the world.

5. Live in the Now:

   The book emphasises living fully in the present moment, rather than being trapped by past regrets or future anxieties. By focusing on the "here and now," you can make conscious choices that align with your authentic self.